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The Famous Brown vs. Brown 
Separate Maintenance Case 



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The Famous Brown vs. Brown 
Separate Maintenance Case 

A Woman's Suffragette Mock Trial 



By 
LILIAN CLISBY BRIDGHAM 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1912 



T'sfe 



'-^^1 






The Famous Brown vs» Brown 
Separate Maintenance Case 



CHARACTERS 



Mrs. ]BNKS,j2^d£^e. 

Mrs. Clark, c/eri. 

Mrs. Oliver, coiir/ crier. 

Mrs. Burnham, district attorney. 

Miss Lincoln, defendant's counsel. 

Mrs. Elizabeth Brown, plaintiff. 

Mrs. Sarah Whitil, J)laintiff' s jnother. 

Mrs. BxjRTON.plainttf's sister. 

Mrs. Currier, plaintiff's chum. 

Mrs. Harriet Brown, defendant's mother. 

Miss Adams, delicatessen store bookkeeper. 

Leonard Brown, defendant. 

James Morton, ya«z7^r. 

Kenneth Baker, telegraph boy. 

Ethel Burton, ) . , . , ., . 

Randolph Clark, \ '««^^^^^^«^ children, 

Mrs. Edith J^i.PlK^, forewoman of jury. 

JURY 

Mrs. Leavitt, Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Siders, Miss Blaine, 
Mrs. Keating, Mrs. Dorman, Mrs. Hodge, Mrs. Cabot, 
Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Morton, Mrs. Forrest, 

REJECTED JURORS 
Mrs. Howell, Mrs. Hudson, Miss McDonald, Mrs, Kent. 




Copyright, 191 2, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



Preface 

In this little play I have tried to keep just the forms actually 
used in our Massachusetts courts. My ten years of experience 
as a law stenographer took me into nearly every court-house in 
this state as well as several of the other states, and gave me a 
familiarity with court proceedings that was a great help in 
writing this mock trial. 

There are of necessity many characters, but if it was desir- 
able to give the play with a smaller cast, the two children, the 
janitor, and Mrs. Howell, Mrs. Hudson and Miss McDonald 
of the rejected jurors could be omitted. The ladies should 
wear pretty gowns, the plaintiff's mother, a stout, rather elderly 
woman, should be dressed flashily. The judge, clerk, crier 
and members of the jury wear no hats, but the counsel and 
witnesses do, as they are supposed to be in the court but for a 
short time. 

If the play is to be given before a local audience it is all 
right to use all of the local hits and jokes that are given in the 
following pages ; but if given before a gathering of people from 
different places this would hardly be wise as they would not 
understand local hits. In case the jokes are used it is almost 
imperative that the consent of the persons named should be 
obtained. Considerable trouble might be made if this was not 
done. 

It is suggested that the part of the plaintiff be taken by a 
well-known unmarried woman of middle age, and that of the 
defendant by a young fellow about twenty or twenty-five. 

In the original production of the play, which was given 
under the direction of an experienced coach, assisted by the 
author, each member of the cast except the plaintiff's mother 
and the defendant's mother (these two used their own given 
names) used their own names. 

Whenever the clerk or either counsel address the judge they 
stand and face her, and during examination of witnesses the 
counsel stand, but when challenging the jury or asking an 
occasional question of any witness they may remain seated. 
The crier pounds her table with gavel when there is any dis- 
turbance in court, when any one speaks out of turn or when 



4 PREFACE 

there is prolonged applause in the audience, but she remains 
seated. After the acceptance of the last juror the janitor 
shuffles into the room and removes the empty chairs. He is 
peeking in at the door listening to the witnesses at the two 
times when he speaks. 

The jury eat chocolates and peanuts and work on fancy-work 
throughout the trial. The plaintiff and her mother also eat 
candy. 

The judge may wear a gown, but it is not necessary. She 
should be seated on a small platform above the level of the rest 
of the stage. 

There should be several mirrors hanging on the walls back 
of the stage. Each member of the jury should be provided 
with a wire hairpin which she should have in her hair where it 
could easily be got at. 

It would be of great help in staging the play if the one 
coaching it could visit a jury session of the nearest court and 
see just how a real court is conducted. 

If an intermission is required, during which to sell refresh- 
ments, it could be held just before the arguments of the coun- 
sel. The judge could say, " Oh, I promised to call up some 
of my chums on the 'phone at this time so I order a recess for 
fifteen minutes, at the close of which we will listen to the 
arguments." 

As there are so many characters in the play it would be well 
to have four or five rehearsals with the jury alone, and four or 
five with the witnesses alone before full rehearsals are attempted. 

Borrow a few statute books from a lawyer and place them 
across the front of the clerk's desk. She can then keep an 
open book of the play before her and easily prompt any who 
need it. The judge could do the same. 



The Famous Brown vs. Brown 
Separate Maintenance Case 



SCENE. — The stage represents a court roo7n in its arrange- 
ments. If scenery can be employed, so much the better, but 
a bare stage will suffice if its furniture be disposed as fol- 
lows : At R. in the back wall should be the entrance for the 
public ; at l. /'// the back wall is that for the Judge, Clerk 
and Crier. Between these two doors should be placed the 
desk of the Judge ivith his chair behind it, and directly in 
front and belo7v him the seat and table of the Clerk of the 
Court. At the right end of this table is the chair of the 
District Attorney, and at the left end that of the Defend- 
ant's Counsel. At the right of the ]vDG\i's and C\.1£.kk!s 
desks and slightly dowfi stage between thetn is the witness- 
stand. The witnesses are seated in chairs placed at L. of 
the stage so that they have to pass across the front of the 
stage to their stand as they are wanted. Opposite to them, 
at r. of stage, are the chairs in which are seated the fury, 
in three rows, 7vith the foretvoman in the lower cortier 
seat nearest the audience. Just belo7V her and in the ex- 
treme right-hand corner of the stage is the seat of the 
Crier of the court. The witnesses are placed in itvo rows, 
the Plaintiff with her tvitnesses in the rear row, the De- 
fendant and his in the front. The rejected jurytnen retire 
up near the public entrance after their appearance. A few 
hints from any local legal light will serve to give the stage 
setting the proper air of reality and reasonableness. 

Enter r. b. D. C. with his witnesses, his mother and the 
bookkeeper, folloived sheepishly by Deft. 

D. C. Well, I declare, if we aren't the first ones here. 
Yes (^pointing), you sit there. {Aside.) If there is one thing 
I simply despise it is to defend a man, but as this one promised 
me a clear tiiousand if I got him off I thought I'd make a good 
try for it. (^Whispers to witnesses.') 



O BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Enter D. A., Pltff. and her witnesses, all looking confident 
of victory. 

D, A. (Jo Pltff.). Well, if I couldn't win a case against 
that old maid and a little whipper-snapper of a man, I would 
sell out my entire law practice and become an organizer of 
Woman's Suffrage Clubs. You will have to sit in those back 
seats. {To D. C.) Oh, good-morning. Miss Lincoln. 

(D. C. bows and takes her seat.') 

D. C. Good-morning, Mrs. Burnham. I'll warrant you 
won't feel so chipper when I get my defense all in. 

D. A. {shrugging shoulders'). Well, time will tell. But I 
do hope for your sake that you got your fee in advance. 

Enter Mrs. Leavitt, Mrs. Siders and Mrs. Keating, who 
say to each other. 

Mrs. L. I do wish to goodness I had been on the jury last 
week instead of this. A new family is moving into tlie next 
house and now I shan't know what kind of furniture they have. 

Mrs. Siders. Well, it certainly is a tremendous help to be 

forewarned about new neighbors. Now when Mrs. 

moved in the house opposite me I happened to see that they 
had Smyrna rugs {sneering), so of course I made up my mind 
not to call on them. 

Mrs. Keating. Horrors ! If I haven't gone and put my 
foot into it. I met her at the {name local building) the other 
day and actually asked her to join the {name local organiza- 
tion). 

{All whisper disgustedly together in their seats. ) 

Enter Mrs. Dorman, Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Cabot and Mrs. 
Kent. 

Mrs. D. Do you know, the minister's wife had on a new 
dress at the {name local affair of recent date). 

Mrs. Steele. Well, I call that pretty extravagant when her 
last year's dress isn't half worn out yet. Goodness me ! What 
is the world coming to when ministers' wives have as many 
dresses as other folks ? 

Mrs. Cabot. I'm sure I don't know; but it is perfectly 
scandalous about her new hat. Wliy, she only wore that last 
one three summers and our last minister's wife always wore 
hers at least four. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 7 

Mrs. Kent. Yes ; and she gave me a cake recipe last week 
that called for three eggs. Can you beat that ? 

(^All whisper together. ) 
Enter Mrs. Forrest and Mrs. Carson. 

Mrs. F. I am nearly frantic about my babies. I know 
they'll get poisoned or something terrible. I am just going to 
get excused and go right straight home. 

Mrs. Carson. Well, it's all I can do to look after my 
family without having to settle other people's troubles ; and it 
does seem to me that, considering there are so many women in 
{iiame city) who just love to pry into other folks' affairs, it was 
a dirty mean trick to put a home body like me on the jury. 

{They whisper together.') 

Enter Miss McDonald and Miss Blaine. 

Miss McD. Well, this is a pretty good imitation of a mar- 
ried woman's caucus, isn't it ? 

Miss B. It will be a miracle if they don't reject us two 
unprotected females. I don't believe they would dare put me 
out for there is hardly a woman in the bunch but has had a 
child in my room at school that I could tell some rather inter- 
esting yarns about. Little imps I 

( Whisper together.) 

Enter Mrs. Howell, Mrs. Hudson and Mrs. Blake. 

Mrs. Hov^^ell. Yes, I've got all my housecleaning done, 
but it was as much as my life was worth. You know Mrs. 
(jiame prominent woman of the city) lives near me and she 
runs in at least five times a day. {Shrugs shoulders.) Of 
course you all know what that means. 

Mrs. Hudson. Well, rather. Doesn't Mrs. {name local 
favorite) live next me? {Names husband's first name) says 
he found out that she hates yellow cats, and he vows he's going 
to lay in a dozen. 

Mrs. Blake. Well, that's nothing to my predicament. I 
bought a pair of shoelacings of a pedler last month, and do 
you know, — he must have told every pedler in the state, for I 
have been so pestered nith pedlers from morning to ni^ht that 
I am nearly insane and am really afraid we shall have to move. 



C BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

(^All whisper together.^ 
Enter Mrs. Hodge and Mrs. Morton. 

Mrs, Hodge. Oh, dear, we're the last. Well, I met 
Mrs. {tiavie young fuoiher of the neighborhood'), and of course 
she had to tell me all about the baby's last toofies. 

Mrs. M. Well, 1 just intended being last. You attract so 
much more attention if everybody is waiting for you. 

Enter from entrance L. B. the Clerk and Crier. Crier 
stops in c. of stage until she sees Judge begin to opeii door 
— only a few seconds — and amiounces. 

Crier. The Court. (^Every one stands at once and re- 
mains standing until close of the Crier's call. Judge stands 
at his desk 7vhile Crier calls. Crier, very loudly.') Hear ye, 
hear ye, hear ye ! All women and otherwise desiring to say 
something to this Superior Court of Woman's Rights draw 
near and give your attention and you shall be heard. Only 
don't all talk at once. {Name popular politician) save the 
women of (jiame state). 

{All are seated, fussing a good deal over dresses.) 

Judge. The clerk will now call the trial list. 

Clerk. Commonwealth of Massachusetts {or local) vs. 
(jiame local lumber dealer) for refusing to give trading stamps. 

D. C. May it please Your Honor, I represent this defend- 
ant and would say that he is now in the Sandvvicli Islands with 
a cargo of lumber donated by {name local organization) for the 
purpose of building a huge department store. You see one of 
the native women recently got hold of a copy of the Delineator 
and that means trouble for the Sandwich men. And as Mr. 
will not return for some weeks I would most respect- 
fully ask for a continuance of this case for two months. 

Mrs. Blake. Well, it strikes me that if this organization 
has any lumber to give away they had better do some home 
missionary work and build a new ladies' parlor for them- 
selves. Why, there is only room {or four mirrors in this one. 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

Judge. Madam Clerk, you may continue this case. Mr. 
is a most considerate husband, going off on many busi- 
ness trips each year leaving his good wife free and untrammeled. 
He is what I call a real gentleman. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 9 

Clerk. {Name state) vs. {name local milk dealer') for sneak- 
ing milk bottles from doorsteps of innocent persons with and 
without tops in the dark hours of night. I have a letter from 
this defendant, Your Honor, in which he expresses exceeding 
great penitence, and faithfully promises that {reading letter) " if 
only your gracious and most excellent Honor will overlook thif 
one offense he will never, never, never do it again." 

Judge. Well, considering the fact that the defendant is an 
exceplioaally fine-looking man, and further considering the fact 
tliat the aforesaid Mr. gives me a quart of dandy heavy- 
cream every Christmas, this case will be forthwith placed on 
file. Next. 

Clerk. {Name state) vs. {name a popular young man, giv- 
ing initials of first 71am e). 

Judge. That sounds very familiar, but I cannot seem to 
place him. Who is he, anyway? Didn't I send him up for 
ten days once last year ? 

Clerk. Oh, he's Dr. {or professor or lawyer ; give name 
in full), since he left college. 

Judge. Oh, him ! Well, you may refer that case to the 
Juvenile Cotut. 

Clerk. {State) on complaint of Elizabeth Brown vs. Leonard 
Brown. 

D. A. I {standing together and saying in unison'). We stand 

D. C. I ready for trial. Your Honor. 

Clerk. The defendant will stand. {Jury glares at him. ^ 
You are charged with desertion and non-support of your faith- 
ful and adoring wife. What do you say ; are you guilty or not 
guilty? 

Deft. Why, I supposed that flock of cacklers over there 
{pointing to jury) was to find that out. {Jury indignant.) 

Judge {to Clerk). You may enter a plea of not guilty. 
You will now impanel the jury. 

Clerk {drawing slip of paper from a box on Judge's desk, 
readins^). Mrs. Howell. {She stands.) 

D. A. May it please Your Honor, this woman is a widow, 
anxiously looking for her fourth. She would be desperately 
flirting with the defendant within ten minutes, and 1 most cer- 
tainly object to her. 

Judge. You are excused. 

Mrs. Howell. Well, I never. And I gave up a matinee 
bri;]ge party for this. Well, next year I shall insist upon being 
on the Board of Aldermen instead of the old jury. \^Exit. 



10 BROWN VS. BROWN SiiPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Deft. It's a wonder she didn't call it the Board of Alder- 
wovien. 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

Clerk. Mrs. Blake. 

D. C. Do you darn your husband's socks? 

Mrs. Blake. Yes. {^Hesitates.') Both ways. (^Aside.') 
You can just bet your boots I wouldn't if I could afford to throw 
the old things away every week. 

D. C. Perfectly satisfactory. 

Clerk. Mrs. Siders. 

Mrs. Siders. Present or accounted for. 

D. A. Have you any use for the men ? 

Mrs. Siders. Well, hardly, except to fork out the cash. 
• D. A. {imitating D. C). Perfectly satisfactory. 

Clerk. Mrs. Forrest. 

Mrs. ¥. {looking at both counsel, arid after a pause says'). 

Won't somebody please object to me? 

D \ ) 

■pj' p" V {m unison'). Why should we object to you? 

Mrs. F. Well, I don't care who hears me. I love ray hus- 
band ; I love my babies, and I love my home ; and I don't 
care if those horrid Suffragettes do say hateful things about me 
for it. I don't want to serve on any old jury, or board of 
health, or police force or city department, so I don't. I just 
want to stay at home and mind my own business. And it 
would be better for the rest of the world if every decent woman 
would do the very same thing. So there ! 

Jury {iti unison). Put her out. We don't want her. 

D. C. I appeal to Your Honor to not grant this impudent 
request. Why, it is preposterous for a sane woman to prefer 
making a housemaid and a nurse-girl of herself to obeying her 
country's call, 

D. A. {the second D. C. stops). And, Your Honor, it is 
just such women who need to be forced to study tlie example 
that noble, self-sacrificing women like ourselves {puffing her- 
self out) set for her. 

D. A. I {in unison). We certainly do object to objecting to 

D. C. J her. 

Judge. I admire the sentiments of my sisters in the law. 
Madam, take your seat. 

Mrs. F. Oh, my poor, dear babies. I just know they'll get 
cold, or swallow some buttons, or Norah'U drop them, or 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE I I 

Clerk. Mrs. Steele. 

D. C. Have you any children ? 

Mrs. Steele. No ; but I have three dogs, four cats and a 
parrot. 

D. C. You'll do. 

Clerk. Mrs. Carson. 

D. A. Do you have your husband wash the dishes at least 
four times a week ? 

Mrs. Carson. Well, rather; if I can get him to stay at 
home from the club that many nights. 

D. A. Splendid. You're all right. 

Clerk. Mrs. Hudson. 

D. C. Is it not a fact that the defendant jilted you before he 
married the plaintiff? 

Mrs. Hudson (Jiesitaiing, then Jerking out). Yes, he did. 
The viper ! And you just wait until I tell you how contemptibly 
mean he was about it. He 

Judge (interrupting her). Step one side, madam. You 
are absolutely impossible. 

Mrs. Hudson {aside as she leaves rooni). Oh, well ! I 
don't care a snap. I had ten times rather go to a moving pic- 
ture show. 

Mrs. Carson. I guess that's a case of sour grapes all right, 
for she told me yesterday that she was just crazy to hear Eliza- 
beth's testimony. 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

Clerk. Mrs. Morton. 

D. A. Didn't the defendant defeat your husband in the last 
mayorality contest? 

Mrs. M. Oh, well ; I don't care if he did. I am always 
tickled to death to see that man licked. 

D. A. Well, so am I ; so if that is the case you are O. K. 

Clerk, Miss McDonald. 

D. A. Did I understand the clerk to say Miss? 

Clerk. Yes'm. 

D. A. Well, you had better trot right along to some place 
that misses you more than we will. A lot you would know about 
the troubles of a man and wife ; besides one old maid is all 
this court can stand at a time. (Looks at D. C.) 

Miss McD. (going out). Well, all I can say is, it is cer- 
tainly very singular that when you are so opposed to the men 
you should think every blessed woman should be hilchcd to 
one. , \_Exit. 



12 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

Clerk. Mrs. Hodge. 

D. A. Did you vote to abolish men on the school board at 
the last election ? 

Mrs, Hodge. Well, I should smile. 

D. A. You're all right. 

Clerk. Mrs. Keating. 

D. C. Are you bringing up your lovely daughters to be 
Suffragettes ? 

Mrs. Keating. Well, I should say so. What do you take 
me for? 

D. C. You're all right. (^Imitates D. A. in inflection.') 

Clerk. Mrs. Kent. 

D. C. Have you fulfilled your duty as an American citizen 
by voting at every election since you had the power? 

Mrs. Kent. Well {thinking), all but twice. Once I had a 

dressmaker, and the other time {Thinks very hard and 

rubs her head.) Oh, I remember. {Name large city store) 
had a mark down sale of one dollar and a iialf gloves for one 
dollar and forty-eight cents, and I simply couldn't resist it. 

D. C. Well, we certainly can resist you. (Tt? Judge.) I 
object to her, Your Honor. 

Mrs. Kent. Object to me 1 Well, a lot I care for your 
old objections, Mary Lincoln. I rather guess after I've given 
up half a dozen engagements to come here I'll stay to the finish. 
Why, I just love to be right on the spot when anybody is being 
talked about. 

{Sits down and talks with those near her excitedly. ) 

Judge. Madam ! (Mrs. Kent pays no heed to her.) 
Woman ! 

(Judge stands up and leans toward Mrs. Kent indignantly.) 

Mrs. Kent {sweetly). Oh, were you talking to me? My 
name is Mrs. Kent. Wife of Charles Kent, the hardware 
dealer. {Or gives husband's occupation. ) 

Judge. I take the greatest possible pleasure in sustaining 
my sister's objection, and unless you leave the room at once I 
shall have you bodily ejected and fined for contempt of court. 

Mrs. Kent. What! {Tosses her head.) Well, you just 
wait until you want to borrow my chafing-dish again, and you 
won't get it. The very idea ! when I gave up everything just 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 1 3 

for the fun of voting against a man, and I am simply dying to 
hear Elizabeth Brown testify. 

Judge (^furious). Will the officer please remove this 
person? 

(Crier starts for Mrs. Kent with gavel upraised.^ 

Mrs. Kent {as Crier almost reaches her'). Person, indeed ! 
Well, I'll go, but I shall tell my dear friend {tiame wife of 
chief of police or chairman of selectmen) and she will tell her 
husband, and Irather guess that there'll be something doing then. 

\^Exit, slamming the door. 

Judge. Will some one please turn off the heat? It's grown 
uncomfortably warm in here the past few minutes. 

(Crier pretends to do so.) 

Clerk. Miss Blaine. 

D. A. (to Clerk). Have you the nerve to have two old 
maids in that box? 

Clerk (looking in box). Well — er — er — I — that is — you 
see 

D. C. May it please Your Illustrious Honor, that lady is an 
unmarried woman, it is true, but she is a member of the 
Woman's Suffrage Club, the Free Thinkers and the Men Haters 
and the Old Maid Forever Clubs, and I think that even my 
distinguished opponent should be satisfied with that. 

Miss B. I would have you both understand I am not an old 
maid, but a bachelor girl — and I'm not that because I have 
to be. 

D. A. May I ask my learned opponent the difference be- 
tween an old maid and a bachelor girl. (Looks in statute book.) 
I fail to find anything about it in the statutes. 

D. C. I am truly delighted to oblige you. A bachelor girl 
(pointing to herself with a conceited smile) glories in her state, 
while an old maid (shrugging shoulders) hates it. 

Miss B. Bravo, Miss Lincoln. 

(Then quickly claps hand over fnouth.) 

Judge (frowning). Proceed with the jury list. The per- 
son is accepted. 

Clerk. Mrs. Dorman. (She stands up slowly, crying.) 
D. A. I (/« unisoii). Well, what on earth is the matter with 
D. C. ) you ? 
Mrs. D. (sobbing). I don't want to go anywhere, or do 



14 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

anything, or be on anything my sister Em isn't on. We are 
always together and never separated, and I am sure it would 
put me into a nervous decline. 

D. A. Why, where does Mr. Dorman come in? 

Mrs. D. Oh, he doesn't count. He is a walking delegate. 

D. A. Well, you'll have to stand it this time. But thank 
goodness all sisters aren't Siamese twins. 

Mrs. D. Boo-hoo — I think you are just horrid. 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

Clerk. Mrs. Leavitt. 

D. C. Have you washed your dishes and swept your house 
this morning ? 

Mrs. L. I am glad to say that I have. 

D. C. That's a real good woman. You'll do all right. 

Clerk. Mrs. Cabot. 

D. A. How many woman's clubs do you belong to? 

Mrs. Cabot. If you please, ma'am, I don't belong to any. 
It takes every minute of my time to keep my house looking half- 
way decent. 

D. A. Well, you are a very foolish woman. A lot you know 
of what is going on in the world. 

Mrs. Cabot. Well, I'll have you know that there are a few 
women in the world who are content to know only what is their 
immediate business to know. 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

D. A. And I understand from the neighbors that you and 
your husband live real happily together. What have you to say 
to that ? 

Mrs. Cabot. It is perfectly true, thank goodness. 

D. A. Well, I object to her, Your Honor. 

Judge. No, you don't. She makes just twelve, and we 
haven't time for any more objections, so you'll have to put up 
with her, although I know it is pretty tough ! {^Beckons Clerk 
to her, and they whisper together. Looks over jury and says 
aside.) Oh, no. I won't appoint her; she's too young and 
giddy. {After more whisperifig with Clerk.) No, indeed. 
She's an awful gossip, {Ditto.) Not much. She belongs to 
a mother's club. {Ditto.) Her? Hardly. All she can think 
of is her babies. {Ditto.) No. 67z<f'i- quite conceited enough 
now. {Ditto.) Thanks. I don't care for Siamese twins. 
{Ditto.) H-m. Well, I guess she'll have to do, but they're a 
pretty soapsudsy bunch. {Aloud.) I appoint as forewoman 
{Jury all attention) Mrs. Edith Blake. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 1 5 

{Jury look spitefully or envioiisly at her.') 

Clerk. The ladies of the jury will now stand up to be sworn 
in. injury stand and stare at ]vDGE and zvitnesses.) Raise 
your left hand, and with the right point to this pile of Ladies' 
Household Journals (or fiavie some real magazine). You do 
solemnly swear that so far as you can conscientiously do so you 
will fulfil all of the obligations laid down under the head of jury 
duty in your Woman's Suffragette Club oath. You will at no 
time permit your personal feelings of honor, or right or of jus- 
tice to influence you in the slightest, and just so far as you can 
possibly manage it you will help the cause of the women and 
defeat the men that shall come before this great tribunal of jus- 
tice. This you agree and assent to ? 

(^Jury are whispering together and do not hear her.) 

D. A. {aside to jury). Say yes to the clerk. 

Jury. Yes. 

Clerk. You may be seated. ( Taking up indictment, reads.) 
Gentlewomen of the jury, listen to this indictment. (^JVhile 
she is reading, one of the jury describes how a new gown is 
being made, gesticulating in description of high neck, elbow 
sleeves, high waist line, revers, fastens in back, etc. She stands 
up facing toward audience as she does this. Mrs. F. displays 
her babies' photographs, which are much admired until she 
turns her back, ivhen all make faces at them, pajitomiming pug 
nose, outstatiding ears, large mouth, etc. Another furor then 
shows a fashion paper which all pore over ; another exhibits 
fancy work, and Mrs. Carson darns her boy' s stockings to 
the disgust of all. Clerk reads on.) " Commonwealth of 
Massachusetts, on complaint of Elizabeth Brown vs. Leonard 
Brown. The jurors, at the grand inquest on their oath present 

that one Leonard Brown, of , in the County of , 

and said Commonwealth, did feloniously, fraudulently and 
wilfully and with malice aforethought desert his loving and de- 
voted wife, Elizabeth White Brown, of said , to the ten- 
der mercies of the world " 

D. C. {interrupting). And his mother-in-law, and his sis- 
ter-in-law, and his chum-in-law. 

Clerk (continuing). "On the ist day of April cur- 
rent, and has continued said felonious, fraudulent and wilful 
desertion to the present time, with absolutely no extenuating 
causes thereof, to wit: LTpon said ist day of April he deliber- 



l6 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

ately and with malice aforethought walked to the clothes-closet 
of the reception hall of their domicile numbered on (^local) 
Street, in said {local), placed his right hand upon the handle 
of the door of said closet, drew the said door open, withdrew 
said hand from said door, and placing said hand within the 
dark recesses of said closet, did yank from a hook in said closet 
and hastily withdraw from said closet the best overcoat of said 
defendant ; to wit : one of black broadcloth with velvet collar, 
bone buttons and seventeen pockets. Turning from said closet 
and maliciously, wilfully, and feloniously neglecting to close 
said door, the said defendant, with violent, slatting motions put 
on the overcoat aforesaid, grasped with said hand his hat, to 
wit : a black derby of uncertain age, from a hook attached to 
a portable hall stand in said recejition hall, squashed said hat 
upon his head, grasped in his left hand the handle of the out- 
side door of said hall in said domicile, opened said door with 
said left hand, then turning around to his frightened but still 
loving wife and mother-in-law and sister-in-law, said in sten- 
torian tones : ' I am through with this blasted hen roost forever. ' 
Most vulgar, actionable, contumelious, unconjugal, calumnious 
language. Then with a tremendous slam, he closed the outside 
door aforesaid with said hand and has not again entered said 
house up to the said date of this petition, filed by the complain- 
ant aforesaid. And the jurors aforesaid further say upon their 
oaths that on divers other days and times between said ist day 
of April and the date of the filing of this complaint at said city 

of and within the judicial district of said court the said 

defendant did unreasonably neglect to provide for the support 
of the complainant aforesaid, his wife Elizabeth White Brown, 
of whom he the said Leonard Brown was the lawful husband, and 
the said Leonard Brown, being then and on said other days 
and times able to provide for the support of his said wife against 
the peace and dignity of the said Commonwealth and the form 
of the statutes in such case made and provided. A true bill. 
Attest : {Name prominent court official), Clerk of the Jury. 
Laura Burnham, District Attorney." Ladies of the jury, listen 
to the evidence. 

D. A. Mrs. Elizabeth Brown, please take the witness- 
stand. 

Wit. Whereto? It's not at all in the way there. 

D. A. {pointing). Stand right there, please. 

Clerk. Hold up your left hand and place your right upon 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 1/ 

this pile of Ladies' Household Journals. (She holds up right 
hand J) Your left, I said. 

Wit. Oh, I heard you all right, but if you must know I 
can't. I had to hang onto the car straps all the way from 
(Jocal) Square, and down by [local^ Street I heard a rip. 

Clerk. Very well. You most solemnly swear 

Wit. Not if I know it. My husband sometimes does, but 
I would scorn to. 

D. A. But, Mrs. Brown, this is only a formality that all 
witnesses must conform with. Do as the clerk says ; it is all right. 

Wit. Well, I suppose if I must I must. So {very loud) 
darn it. There, Mrs. Clerk ; is that swearing enough for you ? 

Judge. Madam ! 

Wit. Huh ? 

Judge. Will you be quiet long enough to let the clerk 
repeat the usual oath ? 

Wit. Oh, dear, so that's the game. And I said that ter- 
rible swear word for nothing. Well, hurry up, or I'll rip this 
side too. 

Clerk. You solemnly swear upon that pile of Ladies^ 
Household Journals to tell the truth, the whole truth, anything 
but the truth, and whatever else you can think of? So help 
you Doctor Cook. 

Wit. Oh, sure. (Drops arm.') What a terrible fuss about 
nothing. I do hope I won't have to stand long for I pared my 
corns too close this morning and they h-u-r-t. 

D. A. What is your full name ? 

Wit. Oh, stop your kidding. You knew it well enough to 
write for a good fat retainer before you would take my case. 

D. A. But you must tell the judge and the jury. 

Wit. Tell them fiddlesticks. Didn't that clerk yell it loud 
enough to wake the {local institution) up ? 

Judge. Madam, we are not here to listen to you trying to 
evade giving intelligent answers to the questions asked you. 
Answer correctly in as few words as possible or I shall fine you 
for contempt of court. 

Wit. (aside). Oh, fudge ; and she's my second cousin's 
aunt. (Aloud.) All right, fire away. 

D. A. What is your full name ? 

Wit. E. W. Brown. 

D. A. I mean your full name. 

Judge. Oh, let it go at that, or we won't get home until 
morning. 



J 8 BROWN VS. BROWN StPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

D. A. And your residence? {\Nn. gives real residence.) 
Now we are getting along finely. And your age ? 

injury alert.') 

Wit. What ! 

Clerk. May I suggest, Your Honor, that when women 
were granted jury privilege it was agreed that no woman over 
twenty-five should be asked her age in court. 

Wit. Well, I tell you what I'll do. If you will get Miss 
Lincoln to tell hers I'll tell mine, 

D. C. Oh, really, it's not worth it. 

Judge. You may proceed, Mrs. Burnham. 

D. A. You are the lawful wife of Leonard Brown? 

Wit. Well, as mama got the license and the minister, I 
guess it was pretty near lawful all right. 

D. A. Wlien were you married ? 

Wit. February 30, 1907. (6>r give year about five years 
previous.') 

D. A. Have you any children ? 

Wit. No, indeed ! And as mama is much too young to be 
a grandmother I think it is extremely fortunate. 

D. A. Did you go right to keeping house as soon as you 
were married ? 

Wit. No, we boarded at the {name nearest ultra fashion- 
able hotel) for two months, but the swells over there never 
even looked at us, so we just got even with the proprietor for 
boarding such snobs and left his old hotel and came out here. 

D. A. Where did you live? 

Wit. {naming a very undesirable street in the locality). 
With a little flat — no — I mean in a little flat; but, then, I 
rather guess I lived with one, too. 

D. A. Why did you move from there? 

Wit. There wasn't half room enough for all our company. 
There was {counting on fingers) my mother, my sister, my 
chum. Grandma White, my Uncle John and Aunt 

D. A. Oh, tluit will do for the present. We will take the 
rest for granted. How did you and your husband get along? 

Wit. Slick and dandy the first two years, then he com- 
pletely changed. He didn't want to give in to me all the 
time, — wouldn't remove his rubbers before enlering tlie house, 
— insisted upon talking at the table when he knew mama and 
I liked to do all the talking there, — refused to hook up my 
princess gowns that fastened up the back and actually tried to 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE I9 

prevent my mama from living with me. Oil, yes, and he shut 
the door in sister's face once. 

D. A. What a perfectly shocking state of affairs. But did 
he actually hurt you — act violently toward you, or beat you ? 

Wit. Yes, he did. He slapped me in the face once. 
Slapped my face ! 

D. A. I trust that all present heard that statement. Now 
as to this desertion on April ist. Will you state the circum- 
stances that led up to it ? 

Wit. Sister and her little girl wanted to live with us for five 
months while her husband was away on business, and Leonard 
was wild at the idea. He said his house was no homeless 
females' retreat and that it had got where I could choose be- 
tween him and them. Imagine ! 

D. A. When he left home did he give you any money ? 

Wit. Not a penny ; said he wouldn't until winter. 

D. A. Oh, he did promise you money next winter then ? 

Wit. Well, he said it would be a cold day when I saw any 
of his cash. Skinflint. {Shakes fist at him.') 

D. A. Did you ever have any evidence that your husband 
had ceased to love you as a true husband should ? 

Wit. Yes, I did. When he put on his overcoat to go off 
on that last day a hairpin — a — dark — brown — hairpin fell from 
his pocket and I just picked it up before he saw me. 

D. A. Horrible. Can you describe it ? 

Wit. Oh, yes, indeed, I should say I could. Why, it has 
haunted me day and night ever since. It was a horn hairpin ; 
— one of the kind that is wiggley part way down its sides. I 
carried it to Professor Wood at Harvard and he said it had 
been worn in thick, silky, dark-brown hair. That proved 
beyond a shadow of doubt that it had belonged to a woman. 

D. A. Have you any idea to whom it belonged ? 

Wit. (sobbing). Not the least tiny bit. The wretch was 
too cunning for me. Why, I never dreamed that everything 
wasn't all right. 

D. A. (taking handsome box from her bag; taking several 
wrappings from a small package, finally revealing hairpin 
suspended by a cord ; holding it up by cord). Is this the hair- 
pin in question ? 

Wit. (putting hands to her face to hide emotions ; tak- 
ing them dozvn and saying). Yes, indeed. I should know it 
among ten thousand. 

D. A. May it please Your Honor, I offer this hairpin as 



20 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

evidence in the case and have marked it " Exhibit A." {Shotvs 
to Judge and Jury, who exatnme it closely.^ I think I am 
through with this witness, Miss Lincoln. 

Wit. Oh, dear me, more of this rubbering. Well, I don't 
believe my poor corns will stand it. 

Cross-Examination 

D. C. Now, I don't intend asking your age for the simple 
reason that my guessing apparatus is in pretty good working 
condition; but you will surely admit that you were a full- 
fledged bachelor woman when you were married ? 

Wit. Well, yes ; I suppose I was. But that is none of 
your affairs that I can see. 

D. C. {tossing her head). You had enjoyed the bliss of 
perfect freedom for many happy years ? 

Wit. {thoughtfully'). Yes — happy years. 

D. C. Could stay out as late as you liked without dreading 
to meet a scolding husband trying to find out just where you 
had been ? 

Wit. {sighing). Yes. 

D. C. Could belong to as many clubs as you wanted with- 
out being nagged about it by a man ; had no one to track mud 
all over your home, to scent your rooms with horrid tobacco 
smoke, to swear over lost collar buttons, to ask what on earth 
you had done with that ten cents he gave you the week before? 

Wit. (regretfully). True, true. Those were happy days. 
But why do 

D. C. (interrupting). Well, after all those years of unfet- 
tered bliss will you have the goodness to tell me why under the 
sun you tied yourself down to married life ? 

Wit. Well, I got tired of it all and got to envying my mar- 
ried friends. 

D. C. What ! 

Wit. Yes, I did. You can talk all you want to about your 
unfettered bliss. You know just as well as I do, Mary Lincoln, 
that there are times when an old maid really longs for the 
pleasure of going to bed without first looking to see if there is a 
burglar under it ; times when she longs for the satisfaction of 
having a man to escort her to the theatre, buy her boxes of 
Huyler's, and bunches of violets, and call her his dear little 
sweetheart. Oh, it's true. You needn't turn your nose up. 
.'\nd then, too (7vith emphasis), it isn't every old maid knows 
how to catch a fine-looking young man. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 21 

D. C. Well, of all the consummate nerve. Well, if ever I 
hanker after the recipe I'll know right where to go for it. Now 
to get back to this case. You say you lived happily for two 
years and unhappily for three? {Witness nods her head.') I 
didn't hear your answer. 

Wit. Why, I told all that to my counsel. Are you deaf 
or only thick ? 

D. C. I want no sauce from you. Answer me correctly. 
Let me see How long has your mother been with you ? 

Wit. {loudly). I said before three years. 

D. C. I trust. Your Honor and the jury, that this coinci- 
dence sinks deep into the chambers of your minds. In the 
direct examination you say tiiat the defendant slapped your 
face. Will you tell the jury the circumstances that led up to 
this atrocious act ? 

Wit. Well, I — er — er — I forget. It happened so long ago. 

D. C. What time did you arise in the morning ? 

Wit. About nine or ten o'clock. Unless I didn't happen 
to have a good book to read in bed the night before; in that 
case I might get up as early as a quarter of nine. 

D. C. What time did the defendant arise ? 

Wit. How do you suppose I know ? Why, I have my best 
sleep in the morning hours. You see when mama came the 
spare room was so cold and drafty I couldn't think of putting 
her there, so took her in with me, and she slept as late as I did. 

D. C. Yes, but where did the defendant sleep ? 

Wit. Oh 1 the spare room was good enough for him. 

D. C. Well, who got the defendant's breakfast? 

Wit. If he was such a crank as to want a breakfast, he 
could just get it himself. Neither mama nor I believe in eat- 
ing any breakfast; and you can easily see that there is nothing 
spindly about ma. {Points to her.) 

D. C. Just what and when do you eat? 

Wit. Only a bite in the morning. Didn't even set the table. 
Just an orange or two, a couple of bananas, a few cups of cof- 
fee, some rolls and some cakes. Our first meal \'5 at noon. A 
light lunch of meat, vegetables and dessert from the delicatessen 
shop. We have five o'clock tea ; some cute little sandwiches, 
cakes and tea ; really nothing worth mentioning, and the sec- 
ond meal, our only really hearty one for the day, is a substan- 
tial six course dinner from {name delicatessen store or bakery). 

D. C. Anything more? You surely couldn't exist on that 
meagre fare. 



22 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Wit. Oh, I forgot. Of course we have a light lunch before 
we go to bed. 

D. C. So you have five good substantial meals a day and 
are everlastingly munching sweet stuff, and expected a hard 
working man to get along on two. 

Wrr. I said we had two meals a day, and I am under a 
solemn oath. 

D. C. Have you a bank account in your own name? 

Wit. Indeed I have. 

D. C. Had you one when you were married ? 

Wit. No. Why? 

D. C. Where did you get the money ? 

Wit. Oh, I worked for it. Went fishing. 

D. C. You worked ? Went fishing ? 

Wit. Yes. Don't you understand? You see my husband 
was very careless of his clothes at night, and would throw them 
all over his room. So after our midnight lunch I would slip 
into his room, carefully pick them up, smooth them out and 
place them in order over a chair. Then to get my pay for this 
I went fishing in his pockets for change. Mama said tliat was 
a capital idea. 

D. C. That will do. You are excused. 

Wit. Well, thank goodness for that. It's a wonder she 
didn't ask me how much butter I spread on my rolls, or how 
much sugar I put in my tea. 

Clerk {aside). But isn't it a mercy there are no children 
tobe brought up in that bakery-fed, quarrelsome home? 

Enter Randolph Clark, with old clothes on, and a black eye. 

Ran. Say, ma, give me a nickel for some doughnuts, will 
yer? There ain't a bite of grub in the house. 

Clerk. Randolph Clark ! {Shakes him hard.) What do 
you mean by coming here like this when I told your pa not to 
let you out of the house? How did you get that black eye? 

Ran. Oh, Charles Smith and Paul Burns started to play 
football with my attic, but I gave them their money's worth all 
right. You just ought to see them. But I want a nickel. Pa 
is busted, and says he won't have any money until you give 
him his next allowance of fifty cents. 

Clerk {taking hifn by the arm). You just march right 
straight home to your pa. Wait till I get hold of that man. 

Ran. But I'm hungry. Nearly starved. We didn't have 
nothing but fried pork for dinner. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 23 

Clerk. I'll hungry you. {Takes him by the ear. ^ You 
march. \Exii R., crying. 

D. A. Mrs. Sarah White will next take the stand. (Clerk 
sivears her, using same oath as with plaintiff.') Give your 
full name. 

Wit. Sarah Fisher Ingraham White ; but I won't tell my 
age if everybody else in the court room does. 

D. A. You are mother of the plaintiff in this case ? 

Wit. I am. 

D. A. When did you first meet the defendant in this case? 

Wit. In 1896. 

D. A. State the circumstances. 

Wit. Oh, he began mooning about Elizabeth during her 
last year in college. 

Mrs. M. (aside). She was twenty-two then, and that was 
sixteen years ago. That is dead easy. 

Crier. Silence in the court room. 

D. A. Did you encourage his attentions? 

Wit. Well, no, I didn't. {Name popular young mail) had 
kinder been edging around her way, and I liked him ever so 
much better than I did Leonard, so I just did everything I pos- 
sibly could to keep him away. Why, I even positively refused 
to remain in the parlor while Leonard was courting her. 

D. A. Urn. After your daughter became engaged to him 
did he make any promises to you? 

Wit. Yes ; he said he would do almost anything on earth 
if I would only promise to spend one afternoon a month with 
them. But laws ; they got married, so I made up my mind to 
make the best of it, so I told him I was perfectly willing to give 
them much more of my time than that. But even that didn't 
seem to please him. 

D. A. Well, how did he treat you after their marriage ? 

Wit. For the first two years he was very good — for a man. 

D. A. And then? 

Wit. He turned completely around. 

D. A. What do you consider was the cause of this ? 

Wit. I really cannot for the life of me imagine. 

D. A. When and why did you go to live there? 

Wit. In 1909. (^Make it three years ago.) Elizabeth was 
getting to look real peeked ; I suppose because she was left to 
herself so much ; so, fearing she would go into a decline unless 
something was done to chirk her up, I left my happy home, 



24 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

and sacrificed all my personal ambitions to cheer my darling 
girlie's lonely hours. 

D. A. I see. Most kind and motherly of you. Can you 
describe the home life of your daughter and son-in-law ? 

Wit. Well, the past three years nothing that Elizabeth said 
or did seemed to suit hini, and I could see there was trouble 
ahead, — ^just exactly what I prophesied before they were mar- 
ried. I did all that a conscientious mother could to avert it, 
and lost no oi)portunity to advise, admonish and correct him, 
and lead him along the straight and narrow path. 

D. A. Was the plaintiff always a loving and devoted wife 
to him ? 

Wit. a perfect model, ma'am. You see /brought her up. 

D. A. And how did he return her affections ? 

Wit. He called me names, ordered me to leave his home, 
refused to pay me a weekly allowance, and in fact vented the 
entire venom of his spite upon poor, inoffensive me. Why, he 
even called me the old cat. 

D. A. Oh, well ; that may have been his way of calling the 
plaintiff Puss. 

Wit. Well, I thank you just as much, but I don't seem to 
appreciate that sort of back-handed compliment. 

D. A. But did he treat you violently ? 

Wit. Yes, he did. He knocked me all over the 
house. 

D. A. Well, you are excused so far as I am concerned. 

Ckoss-Examination 

D. C. You say he knocked you all over the house? 

Wit. That's what I said. 

D. C. Tell me, how much does he weigh ? 

Wit. About one hundred and twenty pounds. 

D. C. And how much do you weigh? 

Wit. Oh, I assure you his weigh and my weigh are dif- 
ferent weighs in many ways. I weigh two hundred even. 

D. C. Has any of their household furniture been broken or 
damaged during the past three years? 

Wit. Not in the least. Why do you ask that? 

D. C. Your Honor and ladies of the jury, I trust that 
these contradictory statements sink deeply into the rece.sses of 
your memory. If a two-hundred-pound weight was knocked 
all over my house I can see where the junk shop would receive 
some good-sized packing cases of kindling wood. Well, was 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 2^ 

it or was it not with the defendant's consent or by his invita- 
tion that you lived in his home ? 

Wit. Why — I — er — er 

D. C. Yes or no, and no er — er — erring. 

Wit. Oh, that cut no ice with me so long as Elizabeth 
needed me. 

D. C. And I suppose she ran the house and everything 
about it? 

Wit. Well, if she was a daughter of mine she certainly 
did. 

D. C. May I ask — did your husband's mother live with 
you when you were a bride? 

Wit. Horrors, no. Of all the cranky, meddling old 

D. A. {interrupting). May it please Your Honor, I object. 
The question touches upon matters entirely irrelevant. 

Judge. I will admit that you stand upon solid ground and 
sustain your objection, but I would like to have heard the rest 
of that last sentence. 

D. C. Well, how did the defendant take your decidedly 
mother-in-lawish advice, admonition, suggestions, etc. ? 

Wit. With exceedingly bad grace. Why, one day I saw 
him with a brilliant orange-colored tie on. I lovingly told him 
how perfectly hideous and ugly it made him look, but he went 
to the office with it on. That afternoon I was down to the 
square, so stopped in {jiame local store) and bought a dream 
of a lavender one with tiny moss rosebuds sprinkled daintily 
over it. That night Elizabeth burned up the orange-colored 
one and put the new one in its place. Would you believe it ! 
The next morning we found the new one torn in shreds on his 
floor, and that night he came home wearing a new orange- 
colored one ! 

Janitor. Oh, I'll bet on him all right. \^Quick exit. 

D. C. Ungrateful wretch ! and you wasted half a dollar 
on him. 

Wit. Oh, no ; it was a quarter, and I charged it to him. 
That makes me think — he hasn't paid Mr. {local) for it yet. 

D. C. Well, when the head of the house {Witness 

starts to deny.) Well, the man who paid the bills, then — 
ordered you to leave why didn't you ? 

Wit. Madam ! If you think I am the kind of a mother 
who will let an insignificant puppy of a man separate me from 
my darling daughter you have another guess coming. 

D. C. In the direct examination you testified that you gave 



26 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Up your happy home and your own personal ambitions. Where 
did you live ? 

Wit. On (jicime undesirable street). 

D. C. With whom ? 

Wit. With a widower. (Speaks with some hesitation.) 

D. C. (shocked). A widower, and not related to him? 

Wit. {hesitatifig). Well, if you must have it I kept house 
for him. He liked my method of keeping house and wanted 
me so much I finally consented to work for him. 

D. C. Wanted you so much ! And yet some one has said, 
*' Man wants but little here below." (Looks her over.) Well, 
where is he now ? 

Wit. I don't know, ma'am. He's dead, 

D. C. When did he die? 

Wit. Three years ago. 

D. C. So you lost your job ; had no other home, so went 
sponging on your son-in-law. And that was how you broke 
up your happy home ! 

Wit. I don't like this old court and I'm just a-going home. 
It's time to put on the potatoes, anyway. 

D. C. Well ! I guess that is about the easiest way to get 
rid of you. You may go. 

(She bounces off stage.) 

D. A. Mrs. Blanche Burton, take the stand, please. (Sworn 
by Clerk.) May I ask if you are related to the plaintiff? 

Wit, Yes'm. We are sisters. 

D. A. It has been testified that you were the cause of the 
separation of this loving couple, because you and your daugh- 
ter insisted upon spending a few months with them during your 
husband's absence. What have you to say in regard to this 
outrageous accusation ? 

Wit. Why, I only wanted to make their home our head- 
quarters while I visited with friends a day or two each week, 
and Roy made an awful fuss. 

D. A. What did he say ? 

Wit. He accused my little darling of being worse than a 
whole army of boys. He said he would rather have a whole 
regiment of high school cadets (or name local organization of 
boys) at his home than my little Ethel — and she is tlie gentlest 
creature on earth ; never making a bit of trouble and winning 
friends everywhere. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 1"] 

Enter Ethel Burton, screaming and stamping. 

Ethel. Ma-ma ! Ma-ma ! I want my ma-ma ! 

Wit. Why, there's my sweetheart now. What do you 
want, dear? 

Ethel. I don't want you to stay in this horrid old place 
any longer. I've made dolls' clothes out of my best coat; 
broke the telephone because Central wouldn't answer me; 
picked all the leaves from {iiame some popular lady) rubber 
plants ; let {jiaine another lady) canary from the cage and lost 
it ; cut all the pictures from {iiame another lady) new book 
that she loaned you, and now I can't find anything else to do 
and you've just got to come right straight home and amuse me. 
Come along. Now! {Sta7nps foot.) 

Wit. {to Judge and jury). You really must excuse me. 
My precious darling needs me, so of course I must go. 

D. C. See here ! You haven't been cross-examined ! 

Wit. Well, I'm sorry, but I cannot help that. You see 
how it is yourself. Come, sweetheart. \_Exit. 

D. C. Well, if she isn't the limit ! 

D. A. Thank goodness, I got my innings ! 

Mrs. F. There, now; if she's gone home I don't see why 
I can't. 

Mrs. D. If a child of mine acted like that I rather think 
there would be something doing. 

Mrs. Steele. What can you expect with that grand- 
mother ? 

Mrs. Cabot. Well, really, you can't blame any man for 
not wanting that young one about. I know right well I 
wouldn't. 

Mrs. Hodge. Well, thank goodness, she don't live on my 
street. 

Mrs. M. It's easy to see why the grandmother don't live 
with them. 

Mrs. L. Mercy ! But I'm thankful she doesn't belong to 
me ! 

Mrs. Keating. Heaven pity the man she gets hitched 
to. 

Mrs. Blake. No wonder Mr. Burton is so quiet. I guess 
between them both tlie poor man doesn't get much more show 
than a last year's {name local fieivspaper). 

Miss B. I had her in my room at school one year and she 
was almost the death of me until I gave her one good spank- 



28 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

ing. After she had recovered from the shock she was a much 
different child. 

Mrs. Carson. Well, it's pretty lucky she hasn't my hus- 
band for her pa. 

Mrs. Sideks. Or me for her ma. 

Crier. Silence in the court room ! 

D. A. Mrs. Currier will now take the witness-stand. 
(Clerk sivears her in.) What is your full name, please? 

Wit. Flora M. Currier, as you have known very well for 
several years. 

D. A. Are you related to the plaintiff in this case ? 

Wit. Only by the closest bonds of long, loyal, loving 
friendship. We are chums. 

D. A. I see. When did you first become acquainted with 
her? 

Wit. We were in (jiame local teacher of primary school^ 
class in the School together. 

D. A. And the year ? 

Wit. Well — somehow I forget that. 

D. A. How long have you known the defendant ? 

Wit. Why, about as soon as Birdie did. 

D. A. Birdie ! 

Wit. Oh, that was my pet name for her, and she called me 
Toots. 

D. A. Ah, my education is being advanced along several 
lines to-day. Well, to your knowledge how has the defendant 
treated the plaintiff? 

Wit. The first two years he was just lovely. He took 
Birdie and nie, that was before I married {gives husband^ s first 
natne), to dinner and the theatre and to parties ; but the past 
three years he has been absolutely unbearable. 

D. A. Yes ; but just how was he unbearable ? 

Wit. Oh, he didn't want me around so much; kicked be- 
cause Birdie's mother and sister lived there; growled because 
Birdie wouldn't get his breakfast ; grumbled because her mother 
took his bed, and 

D. A. Yes; but did he act violently toward her — did he 
beat her or strike her ? 

Wit. Yes, he did. He slapped her face once. 

D. A. That is what I wanted to bring before this honorable 
judge and jury. Were there any other violent acts ? 

Wit. Yes ; he smoked in the house, and sometimes whistled. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 29 

D. A. Horrible ! Anything more ? 

Wit. Oh, yes, there are lots of things, but somehow I am 
so flustered before all these people that I forget. 

D. A. Well, Miss Lincoln, the witness is yours and I rest 
my case here, Your Honor, although there are scores of wit- 
nesses who would be delighted to testify in the interests of the 
dear plaintiff if they were needed. But I couldn't think of 
wasting j'<?«r valuable time. 

Cross-Examination 

D. C. Do you not think it quite a coincidence that this 
trouble all began at the same time the mother-in-law began liv- 
ing with them ? 

Wit. Oh, no, not in the least. 

D. C. Did you hear the defendant kick because the plain- 
tiff's mother and sister lived there ? 

Wit. No, Birdie told me about it. 

D. C. Did you hear the defendant growl because the plain- 
tiff wouldn't get his breakfast ? 

Wit. No, she told me that, too. 

D. C. Well, did you see the defendant slap the plaintiff in 
the face ? 

Wit. No, Birdie told me that, too. You see he got so 
hateful I just despised the sight of him, and never entered the 
house when he was at home. 

D. C. Indeed ! {To Judge.) May it please Your Honor, 
I object to this witness because of the fact that all that she tes- 
tified to in the direct examination was from hearsay and not 
from actual knowledge. Therefore her evidence is inadmissible. 

Judge. Well, I certainly sustain you in that, and admonish 
your sister counsel for bringing before this august tribunal Jch 
an incompetent witness. The jury will therefore forget every 
word of her testimony. 

D. A. {aside to jury). Humph ! You do it if you dare ! 

Wit. (leaving room). Incompetent ! Well, if anybody 
knows the goings on in that house I rather guess it's me. 

[Exit. 

D. C. Miss Etta Adams, take the witness-stand. (Clerk 
stvears her in.) AVhat is your full name? 
Wit. Etta Louise Adams. 
D. C. And your occupation ? 



30 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Wit. Head bookkeeper in (^give local delicaiesseti shop or 
bakery) bakery. 

D. C. How long have you worked there ? 

Wit. About four years. 

D. C. Do you know the plaintiff and defendant in this case? 

Wit. Well, rather. They are among our best customers. 

D. C. Describe their relations with your store. 

Wit. Well, nearly every morning the defendant would stop 
in and buy some rolls, cooked fish balls or hash cakes or frank- 
furts, and rush out, hurrying for his train. 

D. C. Very good. Go on. 

Wit. At noon Mrs. Brown would 'phone for coffee rolls or 
other fancy bread, and chicken or lobster salad, breaded chops, 
chicken pie, or something similar ; and whipped cream cakes 
or charlotte russes, 

D. C. Anything more? 

Wit. Yes. At 6 p. m., she would 'phone for hot soup, 
oysters on the half shell, roast chicken or turkey and whatever 
entrees or vegetables we happened to have, and ice-cream or 
fruit shortcake, or both. 

D. C. Is that all ? 

Wit. No. At 7 p. m., on his way home, the defendant 
would stop for more fish balls or hash and doughnuts. 

D. C. Who paid for all of this ? 

Wit. Oh, he did every Saturday night. 

D. C. And what did the bills average ? 

Wit. His bill averaged two dollars and a half a week, but 
hers was seldom less than twenty- seven dollars, and when they 
had company it was much more. 

D. C. After Mr. Brown left home did his wife buy as much 
as before ? 

Wit. No, indeed. But I understand she has been sponging 
on her wealthy friends on the hill until they are tired and sick 
of the sight of her. 

D. C. That will do. {To D. A.) You may now have the 
witness. 

Cross-Examination 

D. A. That was remarkably clever memory work. Do you 
carry all of your customers' hills in that medium-sized head of 
yours? 

Wit. 1 can't say that I do. But I would if I was paid fifty 
dollars by a handsome young man. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 3 1 

D. A. You say this family was one of your best customers ? 
Who are others ? 

Wit. Oh, the {jicwie several well-knoivnfatnilies in the lo- 
cality^). 

Judge. That is sufficient. You need not question her 
further along that line. 

D. A. Is it not a fact that the plaintiff bought her food 
where she could be trusted for it because the defendant gave 
her no ready cash ? 

D. C. I certainly object to that question, Your Honor, be- 
cause the witness has not testified that she knew how much 
money the defendant gave the plaintiff. 

Judge. Well, legally, I suppose your objection is all right, 
and I suppose I shall have to sustain you in it ; but I do wish 
you wouldn't always object when something interesting is going 
to be told. 

D. A. Well, whether or no you can state of your own 
knowledge 

Wit. {interrupting). Wait a minute. I am stuck on that 
<* whether or no " fellow. Who is he ? 

D. A. Did you or did you not know that the defendant had 
no food in his own home before purchasing some of you ? 

Wit. Well, all I know is that many a morning I have seen 
him with a roll in one hand and frankfurt in the other, pitch- 
ing them into his interior as if it had been six months since he 
had tasted food. 

D. A. Is it not a fact that many a married man of the fami- 
lies you named does the very same thing ? 

Wit. Oh, I've too many friends among their wives to dare 
give them away. 

D. A. That will do. You are excused. 

Wit. {to Judge). Well, please may I be excused and go 
to the store, as it is nearly our rush time? {Aside.^ We are 
going to have some of those chocolate eclairs you're so fond of 
to-night, Mrs. Jenks. 

Judge. Oh, good. Be sure and save me a dozen, dear. 
Of course you are excused. I only wish to goodness I could 
be, too, \_Exit witness. 

D. C. Mrs. Harriet Brown, please take the stand. ( Wit- 
ness takes oath.) What is your full name? 
Wit, Harriet Norton Biown. 
D. C, Are you related to the defendant in this case ? 



32 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Wit. Yes, I am. And if you will let me tell the poor boy's 
story without your everlasting butting in with your "whether 
or nos " or ''do you or don't yous," I'll tell all I know; but 
if I have to tell it on the instalment plan, two words to a bite, 
it's home for me by the nearest route. 

D. A. (aside). 1 reckon she didn't use much time up in 
coaching that witness. 

D. C. Well, but we must ask some questions to bring out 
the salient facts. 

Wit. I ain't a-goin' to tell no Sary What's-her-name facts; 
only the plain unvarnished truth. 

D. A. To match herself, I guess. 

Wit. And this was how it was. After that boy was mar- 
ried to that gormandizer 

D. A. What 1 

Judge. You should be less emphatic in your language, 
madam. 

Wit. Oh, you just keep quiet, and if you don't want to 
hear me why you can stuff some cotton in your ears. Well, 
they lived like turtle doves for two years ; but after Mama 
White appeared on the scene with her, " My Lizzie mustn't do 
this," or, "That is much too hard for my girlie," or, "You 
never caught me doing such things for a man," — no wonder 
her husband died so soon — then things changed. It was no 
coincidence that the change in Len was simultaneous with her 
advent into their home. 

D. A. Are you testifying from your own knowledge? 

Wit. No one spoke to you. I spent every Sunday for four 
years with my boy. Then I took pity on him and had him 
spend the day with me; and I looked out that he went home 
with a full stomach, too. Well, before that woman entered the 
house, I never heard him complain that he had no breakfast, 
but after — well, the only difference between his and the dog's 
was that the dog's was put on the floor — and I lay all the blame 
on that meddling old 

D. A. Your Honor, I object to this witness and would 
most respectfully request Your Honor to appoint a member of 
the lunacy commission to examine the cogs and springs of her 
head. There is a vacant room at (jiame nearest insane asyluni) 
that would just accommodate her. 

Judge. Well, she certainly is tiresome. I think I'll ask 
Miss Lincoln to withdraw her and take her to Dr. {jiame local 
dentist). He practices upon the head a good deal. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 33 

(Deft, begins to snore now.') 

Wit. For the land sakes. The days of the Inquisition have 
surely come again and I am going right straight back to (name 
undesirable suburb). \_Exit. 

D. C. Well, then, I'll call my star witness, the defendant 
himself. (^The Deft, is sound asleep and snoring.) I say 
(shaking him), Brown — Leonard, wake up. 

Wit. (as if talking in sleep). I say — Lizzie — don't forget to 
— look in the — back right-hand — pocket — of my pants. There's 
a nickel there. I just thought — perhaps you — overlooked — it. 

D. A. Your "star witness" is evidently accustomed to be- 
ing lulled to sleep by mother's soothing voice. 

D. C. (mad ; shaking him hard). Wake up, can't you ! 
You're in court. 

WiT. (still asleep). Say, Elizabeth — can't you let a feller 
be? I don't know what I did — but — I'll — never do — it — 

again. (Jumps tip.) Oh. I Why, I beg everybody's 

pardon. I must have lost myself. 

D. A. Hadn't you better look in the (as if thinking just 
what he said) back — right-hand pocket — of your pants? Per- 
haps you have lost something else. 

D. C. Oh, it's all right. You only dropped off for a few 
minutes. 

Wit. Oh, dear me; where did I drop? (Looks on floor.) 

D. C. I mean you only took a little nap. Now take the 
witness-stand. 

(Clerk begins oath. When she says "Journals" he says.) 

Wit. Me swear on the Ladies' Household Journals / I 
guess not so you'd notice it. Here. (Takes time-table from 
pocket and tosses on table.) There is a time-table of the (names 
local railroad line). That's a little nearer my style. (Picks up 
"Journal'^ and reads.) " How to manage balky husbands." 
Well, I don't see anything (turning pages) on " How to man- 
age butinsky mothers-in-law." 

Clerk (snatching paper from him). Will you listen to the 
oath ? 

(She gives oath, saying railroad instead of " Ladies' House- 
hold Journals. ") 

D. C. Give your full name ! 

Wit. Leonard Brown. You see, mother didn't give me a 



34 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

very full name. She's very temperate, and didn't want even 
my name to be full. 

D. C. Your residence ? 

Wit. Well, when I lived with Lizzie, it was the same as 
hers; but now that I'm at home, it's the same as ma's. 
Where's my ma? {Looks around.) Ma ! I say, ma ! 

{Runs for door k. with D. C. afier him. She pulls him 
back by the coat.) 

D. C. Here, we haven't discharged you yet. What is 
your occupation ? 

Wit. Manager of the Legal Aid Society for the benefit of 
downtrodden men. No women need apply. 

(^Jury look indignant.') 

D. C. You have heard the preceding testimony regarding 
your acts of cruelty and neglect. Have you ever without 
cause 

D. A. May it please Your Honor, I object to that " with- 
out cause." It is altogether too ambiguous. 

Judge. I do not know that 1 am called upon to rule upon 
ambiguous matters, but so long as the defendant is a man you 
may object to anything you please. 

D. C. Well, have you ever treated the plaintiff other than 
a loving husband should ? 

Wit. Yes, just once. I slapped her face. 

Jury. Ah ! 

Mrs. Blake. Now we will hear something worth the price 
of admission. 

D. C. Please relate all the circumstances leading up to this 
much-hinted-at outrage. 

Wit. Oh, that won't take long. Late one afternoon, as I 
was stepping from our office building, a client of our firm 
p.anded me five hundred dollars in five one-hundred-dollar 
bills, in settlement of a case I had defended for him. Only 
eighty dollars of it belonged to me, and with that I had 
planned to lay in our winter's coal. Well, I put the money in 
my pocket and forgot all about it until the next morning, 
although usually I put large sums of money under my pillow, 
for jTood and sufficient reasons. 

Mrs. Brown. Oh, you wretch ! 

Wit. In the morning I missed it at once and asked my 
wife about it. She actually acknowledged she had taken it — 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 35 

said she had sat up nearly all night, she and her precious 
mother — writing invitations for a bridge party and dance. She 
had written orders to the caterer, florist, musicians, etc., and 
mailed the whole lot before she went to bed. I told her the 
money was mine, at which she laughed in my face — and then 
— I slapped — her — face ! 

Janitor {who has been listening). Bully for you ! 

\_Qiiick exit. 

Crier. Order in the court room. 

D. C. And you never otherwise treated her violently ? 

Wit. Never. {Crosses iJiroat with his fingers.) 

D. C. And how did the plaintiff treat you ? 

Wit. Slick and dandy for two years. Why, she made 
bread and pies almost as good as mother used to make. 

D. C. And then ? 

Wit. Well, after Hoofs and Horns 

D. A. Who? 

Wit. Oh, I mean after her mother came to live with us, 
then the only decent thing about me was the cash I brought 
home. 

D. C. What did it cost you to run your home ? 

Wit. About five hundred dollars a year more than I could 
get together. 

D. C. Did your wife get your meals? 

Wit. Never during the last three years unless we had com- 
pany, then I sneaked in with the rest. She usually let me stay 
at the table unless I happened to say something, then she 
would invariably send me half a mile down the street to get her 
a paper of pins or something equally necessary to the enjoy- 
ment of a dinner party. 

D. C. Now as to this hairpin placed in evidence and 
marked "Exhibit A." Can you tell how and when it came 
into your possession ? 

Wit. (laughing heartily). Well, I guess that is a joke on 
{name popular elderly bachelor). You see, I changed coats 
with him that night at the office and didn't notice it until I got 
home. 

D. C. I think I am through with this witness. 

Cross-Examination 
D. A. When you married your wife, and looked proudly 
into the sweet, blushing face beside you, you said, " With all 
my worldly goods I thee bestow," didn't you? 



36 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Wit. Oh, I suppose I did. Men make just such fools of 
themselves at that time; but when the smiles and blushes begin 
to disappear 

D. A. Then what was yours was hers, wasn't it? 

Wit. Humph ! She certainly acted as if it was. 

D. A. And possession being nine points of the law that five 
hundred dollars belonged to you. And as you have just said 
that what was yours was hers, she was only taking what be- 
longed to her when she took that money ; and yet you slapped 
her in the face ! 

Wit. Well, I never. {Nearly faitits and grasps chair for 
support.^ If that is the way you women lawyers reason things 
out, it is no wonder you win so many cases. 

D. A. We will discuss that phase of the subject no further. 
What is your salary ? 

Wit. {hesitating). I told Lizzie three thousand dollars a 
year. 

D. A. Was that the whole truth ? Come, I can easily get 
your bookkeeper. 

Wit. Oh, if you must have it, 1 had three thousand, fifty- 
two dollars. 

Pltff. 0-h ! 

Wit. Well, I wouldn't have had a shirt to my back or shoes 
to my feet if I hadn't kept that dollar a week for myself. 

D. A. I think we have had enough of your testimony to 
show Her Honor and the jury precisely the sort of man against 
whom we have brought our petition. 

D. C. I rest my case here, Your Honor. 

Judge. We will now proceed with the arguments. 

ARGUMENT OF DEFENDANT'S COUNSEL 

D. C. Honorable court and dear young ladies of the jury: 
The case which has been presented to you has some features 
which are not found in the ordinary separate support case. 
You will observe that the defendant has hardly had a fair show 
in his own home, although he worked hard and long to support 
this home, and to feed and clothe his beloved Elizabeth. 
During the first two years of their wedded bliss they were happy. 
Now the defendant was not in a position of affluence, and it has 
been brought out that each year found the discouraged, over- 
wo'ked man more deeply in the grim clutches of debt, caused 
simply and solely by the continuous trimming he was everlast- 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 3/ 

ingly undergoing at the hands of his pesteriferous mother-in- 
law and sister-in-law, for it seems that in marrying Ehzabeth 
he married the entire family. His wife's mother entered his 
home as the serpent entered the Garden of Eden. Slie saw a 
man happy in his home life — and as that was something that 
never happened in her home, or any other if she could help it, 
she immediately set about to destroy his happiness ; with what 
success you have already seen. Dear young ladies of the jury ; 
the trials and sufferings of this poor defendant, condemned to 
the hard and humpy spare room bed, and refused even the 
comfort of a cheery cigar, are enough to draw scalding tears 
from the eyes of the Sphinx itself. Boo hoo — you see it even 
makes me weep, and my complexion cannot stand much of that 
sort of thing. Young ladies of the jury, there should certainly 
be instituted a society for the expurgation of the mother-in-law. 
I mean, of course, the butter-in variety ; and then our courts 
would no longer be filled with cases like this one. Young 
ladies, I ask you to think of my client not as a wearer of 
pants; he didn't wear them anyway, his mother-in-law did 
that; but rather think of him as the only son of a loving, de- 
voted mother whose heart is well-nigh broken, and whose head 
is nearly crazed because of the unhappiness of her child. And 
so I appeal to you, the handsomest bunch of American Beauties 
my eyes ever beheld, to right the wrongs of this long-suffering 
mortal, and to refuse the petition that the plaintiff has made to 
this honorable court. 

Mrs. M. There, now, he is just about the age of my 
Clarence, and I am going to vote for him. Poor fellow ! So 
I am. 

Jury. So am I. 

DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S ARGUMENT 

D. A. Most worthy and honorable judge — dear young la — 
I mean sweet girls of the jury. If you have finished shedding 
crystal teardrops of sorrow over the troubles of that poor, down- 
trodden little specimen of a man, and have dried your little 
squares of muslin and of lace, perhaps you can find time to turn 
your attention to the woman in this case ; a woman who is a 
sister member with you of many of the most prominent clubs 
of our city ; a woman who was your classmate in the school on 
the hill. 

Mrs. F. [Jo jury). Say, folks, how old do you suppose she 
thinks we are? 



38 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

D. A. She has the natural and praiseworthy ambition of 
every independent American woman to outshine her neighbors 
or die in the attempt. Now, young la — sweet girls of the jury, 
I haven't a shadow of a doubt but that each one of you can tell 
in just which pocket hubby keeps his change or his bill-book, 
and it certainly seems absurd to bring so trivial a matter before 
the attention of this august court. As for her desiring her 
morning beauty sleep, — 1 really wonder if the man wants his 
wife to look like an old hag when she is really just in the prime 
of her womanhood. Why, I glory in every woman who tram- 
ples age under her feet and defies it to touch her. 

Mrs. Blake. Pooh ! Any one can see at a glance she be- 
lieves in making up. 

D. A. But all of this is of absolutely no importance when we 
consider the real principle at stake. Think of the shouts of 
triumph that would arise from the throats of tens of thousands 
of men if the first separate maintenance case to be tried by a 
jury of women should be decided in favor of the man. Think 
of the derisive sneers that would meet you at every turn, if you, 
representative women — I mean girls, of this grand old city, 
should cast your votes for a man who himself had confessed to 
slapping his wife in the face. Think of the fury of the Supreme 
Grand Commander of our noble society when tlie news reaches 
her ears that at the very first opportunity that offered itself, you 
forgot all of your vows of allegiance to your fellow sisters and 
turned traitor to your cause. Finally, sisters, if there be pride 
of womanhood in you, any love of independence, any loyalty 
to the S. W. S. C. (give initial of name of town first ; the 
others stand for Wouian' s Suffrage Club), think on these 
things, and vote accordingly. 

Mrs. Steele. Well, 1 shall certainly vote for her. 

Jury. So shall I ! 

JUDGE'S CHARGE TO THE JURY 

Judge. Ladies of the jury : You will notice that I do not 
address you as young ladies or sweet girls, for you know just as 
well as I do that in reality you are a long way from being either. 
{Great indignation among jury.) If you have not yet learned 
the difference between absurd flattery and straight truth it is 
high time that some level-headed woman had the good sense to 
teach you. Now to business. In this, the first separate main- 
tenance case to be tried under the new suffragette laws, it is 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE IC) 

of the Utmost importance that we prove to tiie world at large 
that women are perfectly capable of performing all judicial 
duties fully as well, indeed much better, than men, after their 
many years of varied experience. You must leave all personal 
feelings and prejudices entirely out of the case. Of course we 
have not all liked Elizabeth's masterful ways; her lazy intlif- 
ference as to the conduct of her home; neither have we all 
agreed upon the defendant's fitness or unfitness to shine as aa 
example of the ideal twentieth century husband ; but this must 
make no difference in your deliberations, and you nmst decide 
the case with as little regard to the evidence as possible, giving 
weight only to your own unalterable, unquestionably correct con- 
victions. Weareall well acquainted with theparties to this action, 
and it is for you to say whether the defendant did abuse and 
neglect the plaintiff, or whether she really ousted him from his 
comfortable bed in a steam-heated room to the solitude of the 
cold attic spare room in order to make way for her mother, 
and neglected to give due attention and care to his daily meals 
while living on the fat of the land herself. You are also to de- 
termine what part in this domestic tragedy the lackadaisical 
and scheming marplot of a mother-in-law, with her domineering 
ways, had to play. Lady jurors, it is with difficulty that I can 
forbear to speak my candid opinion of such a mischief maker, 
but I feel sure you will give this feature of the case due weight 
in reaching your decision. Try to put yourself first in her 
place, then in his ; and even if it takes a whole hour, consider 
well the facts in the case before you cast your ballot. Finally, 
be not influenced by Mrs. Leavitt or Mrs. Forrest or Mrs. Steele. 
Do not vote for one or the other parties in this case just because 
your best friend does or does not. Think for yourselves, if you 
can ; assert your independence, and bring to us the result ; your 
verdict. 

(Crier screams as a bunch of brown ribbon or cambric is 
rolled by Clerk to front of platform.^ 

Crieu. 0-h ! A mouse ! 

{All Jump on chairs or tables and scream while Janitor 
rushes in with broom. Deft, slowly looks around and 
says.) 

Deft. Oh, what a fuss over a little innocent mouse. If that 
i'^n't just like a gang of women. {Sees it and picks it fp.') 
Why, it is nothing but a — a — a hair puff, I guess. {Holds it 



40 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

up high before jury .^ Anybody lost a hair puff? Guaranteed 
all wool, light weight 

Crier {^grabbing it). Hair puff, indeed ! That is all a man 
knows. It is a bunch of brown silk ribbon that fell from my 
work-bag. 

Mrs. Cabot. Well, she started all the fuss. I wasn't scared 
a bit. 

Jury. Nor I. Nor I. 

Judge. If the jury haven't forgotten all about the case they 
will now retire to cast their ballots. Oh, 1 forgot. As the 
large mirror in the jury room fell and was broken this morning 
of course the ladies would not feel at home in there so may 
remain here to vote, and all those not on the jury will step into 
the anterooms. 

{All but jury leave room. Jury sit on desks arid chairs 
just vacated and take out their sewing.^ 

Mrs. F. Gracious, but it is a relief to be rid of all that 
dignity. Let's settle down for a nice chat. Don't I smell 
spear m i n t ? {Sniffs . ) 

Mrs. L. Sure. Have some, everybody. 

{Passes it all around and everybody begins chewing it.) 
Mrs. Steele. My chocolates aren't all gone. Have some? 
{Passes them around.") 

Mrs. Cabot. Say, but this is a lot better than the Woman's 
Club meetings. 

Mrs. M. a lot she knows about it. {Aside.) All she ever 
does is to get in the corner with Mrs. {name society woman) 
and talk fashions. 

Mrs. Hodge. I am going to try this seat. Say, folks, how 
did you like Mrs. Burnham's new gown? 

Mrs. D. Oh, anything would be a relief from that old thing 
she has been wearing for the last three years. 

Mrs. Keating. That's no joke. It certainly is a treat to 
see something new on her. 

Mrs. Blake. Well, what sticks me is what dressmaker she 
had. She didn't have Miss {name local dressmaker), for I 
have her and she always tells me every new gown she makes. 

Miss B. Well, I don't believe she had any dressmaker. I'll 
bet a quarter she bought it ready made. She is certainly the 
greatest bargain hunter out. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 4 1 

Mrs. Carson. There, they had a sale of dresses like hers 
last week in [iiame local bargain store) at three dollars and 
ninety-eight cenis ; Mrs. {name local popular lady) told me she 
got one. 

Mrs. Siders. Well, I don't think she showed very good 
taste wearing a bran new dress to court. 

Mrs. F. Oh, I don't know ; dress does count, you know. 
Now Miss Lincoln had the nerve to wear tliat old dress that 
she hatl before the {jiame some important local event of a year 
or two before'). 

Mrs. L. Well, I just had to smile at the club meeting a 
couple months ago. We were talking about sending our cast- 
off clothes to the heathen, and up got Miss Lincoln and said 
somebody had given her an old suit that she would donate. I 
thought then she had much better make it over for herself. 

Mrs. Steele. Oh, well, you know she does love to talk; 
especially if she thinks she can make an impression. 

Mrs. Cabot. That may be true, but if there were more 
women like her in the church, we wouldn't be everlastingly 
paying interest on the old mortgage. 

MkS. M. No, that's true. There'd be a church supper 
Monday night, a concert Tuesday night, afternoon tea and 
cooked food sale on Wednesday afternoon, woman's play 
Thursday evening, cake and candy sale after prayer-meeting 
on Friday night, grand rally, burning of cliurch mortgage and 
praising of our noble church women on Saturday night. 

(^All clap hands and cry " Bravo .^ ") 

Mrs. Blake. Say, everybody ; didn't the judge look dandy 
in her gown ? 

Mrs. D. Well, all I can say is it was very lucky for Mrs. 
Jenks that she had to wear a gown ; she dresses in horrible 
taste and now nobody will know it. 

Mrs. Keating. Well, I'm thankful I didn't have to wear 
an old gown. What's the use of having pretty clothes if you 
can't wear them ? 

(^Knock is heard on door. Mrs. Blake opens it.) 

Clerk. Well, ladies, have you come to a decision? 

Mrs. Blake. N-o, not quile. We are of so many different 
minds it is extremely difficult to come to an agreement. 

Clerk. Oh, very well ; take all the time you need. We 
are playing dominoes in here. \Exit. 



42 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

Mrs. Blake. Gracious, I forgot all about the old case. 
Well, I suppose we must vote, but it is lots more fim talking 
about folks, and clothes, and things. Well, who has a pencil ? 
{All shake heads.) Mrs. Carson, will you kindly ask the jani- 
tor for some ? 

Mrs. Carson. That man? Not much. 

Miss B. I've got a slick scheme. We will vote with hair- 
pins. If the man is guilty we will bend them; so. If he 

isn't Oh, well, of course he is, so never mind that. (^Ali 

but Mrs. D. take hairpin from hair and bend it.) Do you 
know, I never can remember which is plaintiff and which 
defendant. 

Mrs. Blake. Why, that is simplicity itself. The one who 
brings the suit is plaintiff because it's plain she has had a tiff 
with some one. (^Counts votes over twice.) There are only 
eleven hairpins; some one didn't vote. 

Mrs. D. Well, my hair is nearly tumbling down now, and 
I don't dare spare a single pin, but you can count my vote just 
the same, can't you? 

Miss B. Sure. Well, now for the dignity crowd. 

injury stick gum under table, chairs, etc., and scramble for 
seats. Mrs. Blake knocks on door, theti opens it.) 

Mrs. Blake. Come on in; we've got through voting, but 
had a terribly hard time coming to an agreement. 

i^All enter and take former positions.') 

Clerk. Ladies of the jury, have you agreed upon a ver- 
dict? 

Mrs. Blake. Uh-huh ! 

Clerk. What say you, Madam Forewoman ; is he guilty 
or not guilty ? 

Mrs. Blake (thrusting box of hairpins under Clerk's 
face). There's our verdict. 

Clerk. Chocolates ; oh, thanks. {Puts her hand in the 
box but draws it out quickly.) What on earth have you got 
in that box ? 

Mrs. Blake. Our votes. 

Clerk. What ! 

Mrs. Blake. Oh, we had no paper or pencils so we voted 
with liairpins. See {holding sotne up and dropping them in 
box)., I hey are all guilty. 

Judge. Madam, this is no mock trial. Your fashion of 



BROWN VS. BROWN SHPARA'iH MAINTENANCE CASE 43 

voting is rather too primitive for the modern court. Tell the 
clerk if the jury found the prisoner guilty or not guilty. 

Mrs. Blake. Why, of course he was found guilty. 

D. A. May it please Your Honor, I move for a verdict. 

Clerk. Leonard Brown will stand up. 

{He stands.^ 

Judge. A jury of your peeresses has found you guilty, and 
I hereby order 

Pltff. Oh, Mrs. Jeiiks — I mean, Your Honor, may I say 
something ? 

Judge. Well, — yes — if it is not too lengthy. 

Pltff. Well, somehow it makes me feel awfully bad to turn 
Len adrift like this. {Sobs.) He was so good to me before 
mama came; and I didn't want him put in the spare room, or 
fed on frankfurts and doughnuts, and I didn't want to fish his 
pockets, but mama kept saying I was losing my independence 
if I didn't, so 

Deft. Lizzie 1 {Steps toward her.') 

Pltff. Well, I'll tell you what, Mrs. Jenks, if you'll just 
order mama not to bother us any more I guess I'd rather have 
Lennie than my whole family genealogy. 

Deft. Sweetheart, do you really mean it ? 

Enter Kenneth Baker, telegram boy, whistling. 

Bov. Well, this telegram is for a Mr., but it strikes me 
I've got into the wrong place. {Reads.) "Mr. Leonard 
Brown." 

Deft. Here, have you anything for me? 

Boy. Yep; here's a telegram. 

Pltff. {stepping up to Bov), Oh, I always take his letters 
and telegrams. 

Boy. Well, perhaps you always have, but this time he gets 
it. In my house it's the folks that wear pants that we call 
Mr. Here {tossing telegram to Deft.), catch it. 

(Pltff. reads it over Deft.'s shoulders.) 



V {in unison). 0-h 



Pltff, 
Deft. 

All. What is it ? 
Deft, {reading). " Your Uncle George, of Florence, Italy, 
has just died leaving you four hundred thousand dollars, pro- 



44 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 

vided you live in his palace there." {Looks at watcJi.) Now, 
Lizzie, it is five minutes past two, and I am going to leave on 
the two-forty-five train for New York to take the next train for 
Italy. If you will promise to begin all over again, and never 
let your mother even know our address, you shall go with me. 
What do you say ? Come, now or never ! 

Pltff. Lennie ! Without even a suit-case? 

Deft. Oh, you can shop in New York after we get there. 
Come, decide quickly. I have one thousand dollars in my 
pocket that I borrowed to pay Miss Lincoln with. What do 
you say ? 

Pltff. (^reaching her hands out to hint). Len ! 

Deft. Lizzie ! 

(Zr<f clasps her hands, tucks her arm under his and they 
march off stage together as some one plays a strain of the 
wedding march on piano. ^ 

D. C. But I want my thousand dollars ! 

Deft. I'll cable you five thousand dollars from Florence. 

Mrs. Currier. Oh, Lizzie {running after them), won't you 
take me as your maid? I'll work for you for nothing for the 
fun of the trip. [Follows them off stage.') 

Judge. And thus endeth the first session of the Supreme 
Court of Woman's Rights of the Commonwealth of Massachu- 
setts. Now for my chocolate eclaires and the dressmaker's. 
Ta-ta, everybody. \^Exit. 

Clerk. Me for the nearest ice-cream store. By-bye, all. 

\^Exit. 

Crier, Well, I guess I'll follow suit ; my throat is almost 
raw from yelling. So-long. \Exit. 

Mrs. F, a lot all of that amounted to. I would have been 
of so much more use at home with my babies, I know they 
are crying for me. yExit. 

Mrs. Carson. And I ought to have been at home mending 
the boys' stockings. \^Exit. 

Mrs. L. But isn't she in luck? a fortune, and Italy ! 

\_Exit. 

Mrs. Steele. Yes, it's worth being married to a man for 
that. \_Exit. 

Mrs. Cabot. But to start for New York without even a 
suit-case. \_Exit. 

Mrs. M. Pooh ! I'd go to bed with my clothes on for a 
week for the sake of going to Italy. \^Exit. 



BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 45 

Mrs. Hodge. WtU, I don't believe he will make her much 
trouble ; she seems to have him in pretty good training. 

[^Exii. 

Mrs. Keating. Well, I hope to goodness none of my girls 
ever get such a mother-in-law. \^Exit. 

D. A. Well, if I die first I hope my husband gets just such 
a housekeeper. He wouldn't marry her, and she wouldn't let 
him marry any one else. [Exit. 

Mrs. Blake. Did you notice Elizabeth's corns didn't bother 
her very much when she thought of a trip abroad ? \^Exit. 

Miss B. Oh, but wouldn't I love a wedding trip to Italy ! 

\^Exit. 

Mrs. D. Me, too ; if only Em could go with me. Exit. 

Mrs. Siders. But I would want my suit-case. \^Exit. 

D. C. Well ! — I wouldn't be hitched to a man for a thou- 
sand trips to Italy. [^Exit. 



CURTAIN 



New Plays 



HIS WORD OF HONOR 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By Charles Go J 
Eleven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors 
and an easy exterior. Plays two hours. An exceptionally good college 
play, high in tone and aim, and faithful in atmosphere and color. Its 
theme is taken from the serious side of college life, — the so-called " Honor 
System " in college examinations, — but its humorous traits are various and 
rich and its general tone gay and vivacious. Very strongly recommended 
for scliools, particularly for co-educational institutions. Will suit both in- 
structors and instructed. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Dick Walthour, a senior. 

Harvey Grant, a senior, president of the Student Council, 
Bert Flemming, Dick' s roommate, a junior. 
Arthur Carson, a Virginian, a junior 
William Henry Fraser, alias " Kid," a freshman. 
Hunter, Jackson, King, Wilkins, students. 
Jeremiah Hackett, a sophomore, Fraser s roommate. 
Coffey, ^postman. 

Helen Flemming, Bert's sister, a junior. 
Janette Gordon, a junior. 
Molly Atkins, a freshman. 
Arethusa a. Judkins, a sophotnore, a "grind." 
Mrs. MacInchbald, the chamber-" inaid." 
Professor Nicely, Professor Loomis, and others. 

WHEN WOMEN VOTE 

A Farce in Two Acts 

By An}ia P. See 

Five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an easy interior. Plays 

forty minutes. A good-natured and clever forecast of the time when the 

Suffragette has won her fight, telling an amusing little story to carry its 

satire. Good for women's clubs ; easy and bright. 

Price, 75 cents 

BUMPS 

A Farce in One Act 
By Lillie Davis 
Three females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays twenty- 
five minutes. An amusing little hit at the fad of phrenology, suitable for 
school performance. Clean and bright. 

JPrice Jj cents 



New Plays 



PLAIN PEOPLE 

A Comedy Drama in Four Acts 

By Dana y. Stevens 
Five males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays a full evening. A strong and human piece full of humorous char- 
acter drawing and sympathetic interest. The cast is very even in oppor- 
tunity, and all the parts are good. A great play for a good club, and a 
sure winner. Strongly recommended. Free for amateur performance. 
Price, 2J cents 

CHARACTERS 
Ezra Bromley, storekeeper. 
Almira Bromley, housewife. 
Martin Jasper Bromley, college man. 
Liza Liz Hankins, brat. 
Judge Jotham Marley, Christian. 
Melissy Watkins, elderly maiden. 
Jonas ]\kkoq.v., farmer. 
Belindy Jarrock, seamstress. 
Hiram Curtis Peck, seller. 
April Blossom, help. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act L — Sitting-room behind Ezra Bromley's store. Morning. 

Act IL — The same. Some days later. 

Act in. — At the Jarrocks'. Some weeks later. 

Act IV. — At the Bromley s*. Later in the evening. 

FOOLING FATHER 

A Comedy in One Act 
By R. M. Robinson 
Three males. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays thirty 
minutes. A clever little play easily done and very effective. The boys 
arrange a little burglary just to show the old gentleman what heroes they 
are, but somehow things do not turn out right for the hero part. Can be 
recommended. Price, 15 cents 

AT THE JUNCTION 

A Farce in One Act 

By Charles S. Bird. 
Three males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior. 
Plays thirty minutes. A bright and vivacious little farce for two young 
couples and a comic station agent, very easy and effective. All the parts 
are first rate, and that of the station agent is a corker. Can be strongly 
recommended. Price, ij cents 



B* W* Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 ectits Cacb 



IWin THANNFI Pl'iy in Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
"***-'"^n/\.lillLjlj Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH fJir%^Z 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PROFIir'ATF Playin Four Acts. Seven males, five 
* "" * IV vr Lil\J/\ 1 £i females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QrUnni MICTPFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
inEi OV^nvrULilUlOlIVEiOO seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^gt'^^aTel^^^^ 

females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

OlirppT f A VFNHFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
uTTIjEiI l.i/\V£illl7£iI\. four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF THITNnFRRni T Comedv in Four Acts. Ten males, 
in£i 10U1117£iI\D\./Lil nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIIWFS Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
inCi 1 llTlEiO Sceue. a single interior; costumes, modern. Plajs 
a, full evening. 

THF WFAIfFR ^FY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
1 OEi TT Ei/\IV£iI\ OEiA eight females. Costumes, modern ; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE g-;r,f,liSfSL^x?:^: 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



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cult, chiefly iiiteiiurs ; costumes, modem. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 50 Cents. 

THE FRUITS OF ENLIGHTENMENT gT^/ox:^oT" xwX 

one males, eleven females. Scenery, characteristic interiors ; cos- 
tumes, modern. Play.s a full evening. Recommended for reading 
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HIS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR J^^^TiKlHA^f *\?i^ 

males, three teniales. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Acting rights reserved. 'J'iiue, a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

AN inPAI HIISRAND <"omedy in Four Acts. By OscAK WiLDE. 
AH luLii\Lt IILIJUrtl'll/ Mine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
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reserved. Sold lor reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST ^t i" '^^II 

Wilde. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rights re- 
served. Price, 50 Cents. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN "s^^'^i^'^.^^^^'^!: 

males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

NATHAN HAI F Play 'n Four Acts. By Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
ilAlllAll U.l\LiLi males, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
ing rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THP HTHPR PFT I AW Comedy in Three Acts. ByM. B. Horne. 
lUC UlIlLn rCLLfUTT Six males, four females. Scenery, two 
interiors; <H)stumes, modern. Professional stage rights reserved. 
Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THR TVDANNV ftP TFAD^ Comedy in Four Acts. By C. H. 
IHC linAnni Ur 1CAI\.3 Chamueks. Four males, three fe- 
males. Scenery, an interior and an exterior ; costumes, modern. 
Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE ^^^^I^^^^^l 

seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Offered for 
reading only. Price, 50 Cents. 



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